The President of Florida
A portly Donald Trump regales guests at Mar-a-Lago with tales of his epic electoral win in the Sunshine State amid the carnage of his 2020 loss.
“No one had ever seen a win like that,” Donald Trump exclaimed to the small crowd of guests who had surrounded his table in the restaurant at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club. It was breakfast on a Wednesday morning.
“Everyone in the fake news media said we were going to lose by ten points. And we won! We won! Florida… I love Florida.”
The 15 or so people who had gathered around included husbands and wives still in full MAGA gear months after the election, along with a few of their children ranging in age from five to 16. The kids fidgeted and looked around the room as Trump continued.
“You know I changed my residence from New York to Florida. Florida was begging me. Ron DeSanto called me and said, ‘Sir, would you consider moving to Florida? Please? We’d love to have you, sir. We would.’ And I told DeSanto, ‘I love that you’re begging me, Ron. I love it. I bet no governor ever begged Obama to move to their state.’”
At this point, two of the wives began tugging gently on their husbands’ arms.
“On election night, I was in the East Room. So many people were there. Everyone was there. It was a party. The campaign people were whispering in my ear, ‘It doesn’t look good, sir. We’re losing the Midwest.’ But who cares about the Midwest. Do you care about the Midwest?”
One MAGA-hatted gentleman in a pink polo, khaki slacks and sockless Topsiders™ said sheepishly, “Well, we’re from Wisconsin…”
“ I did well in Wisconsin. Everyone said I would lose by 15 there and I lost by less than a point. I probably won. They stole it. They stole it on the computer. I won there. It was incredible.”
The kids began wandering away. The five-year-old boy picked up a golf tee from the carpet and stuck it in his ear.
“So we’re in the East Room. It was beautiful, incredible. Melania had decorated it in bright gold MAGA signs. We had Big Macs for everybody. These were special Big Macs I had ordered with buns that had ‘MAGA’ burned into the top of the buns with some kind of a branding iron or something. No one had ever seen anything like it. People were saying, ‘Mr. President, Big Macs with MAGA on the buns? How did you do that?’ They were amazed.”
The guests chuckled. The kids were gone. The wives were looking around the gaudy, gilded room.
“So Florida — you know that Florida is always called pretty early. We have Fox on all the big monitors in the room. Rove is on the screen. He’s saying, ‘It’s gonna be close’ or something. Sean Hannity is calling me. We talk all the time — Sean calls me, I call Sean, middle of the night, whenever — Sean calls me and says, ‘No matter what else happens, you might get Florida, Mr. President.’ I said, ‘They love me in Florida.’ Am I right? They love me here!”
Some of the men nod. Two of the four wives discreetly move away, one apologizing and saying, “I need to go find the kids. Sorry.”
“So Bill Stepien… You know Bill Stepien. He was my campaign manager. I should have fired him. I called him ‘Bill Step In It.’ Pretty good, eh? Bill Step In It? He hated that nickname. I should have fired him.”
The remaining three wives excused themselves and drifted off toward the buffet table.
“Step In It whispers to me, ‘We might get Florida.’ I tell him, ‘Get outta’ here, Bill. Get the hell outta’ here.’ I should have fired him. No one liked him.”
Only three men were left near Trump. The others had gone to join their wives.
“Now, we were never supposed to win Florida. All the polls said I was down 12 or 13 points before election day. Maybe more. I think it was more. Was it more?”
The two men looked at the former president and one shrugged his shoulders, palms upturned and said, “I don’t…” His voice trailed off.
“But the most amazing thing happened. It was incredible really. No one thought it could happen. Sleepy Joe thought he had Florida in the bag. He had Obama here before the election. Obama had a crowd of like six or seven people. It was sad. I had tens of thousands at my rallies here. Maybe a hundred thousand at my last one. Some people say a hundred thousand.”
One of the two remaining men excused himself.
“I could have a rally here tomorrow and people would show up — 40,000 people and there’d be a boat parade and pick-up truck parade and banners in the sky — I could do that tomorrow here. That’s how much they love me in Florida.”
The sole remaining guest said, “Mr. President, I have to go. I’m so sorry. I have a tee time in 10 minutes.”
“Of course, of course. So anyway, here I am. I’m the President of Florida.”
“Yes. Yes you are. Have a great day. It’s been an honor, Mr. President.”
And with that, the man turned and walked away.
Donald pulled out his phone and began tweeting.
